Mental Illness Runs In My BLOOD

So I anxiety, specifically Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and whenever I get a panic attack in school (or I’m obviously extremely nervous) people tend to ask, “What happened?”

Even when I say I have a mental illness and explained what triggered me, they still ask, “What happened?”

People ask me this because a lot of people with a mental illness get it from a traumatic event, which is understandable. People have abusive, controlling, or generally bad childhoods/relationships; others go to war or are in an accident, etc. I know a few people, like my mother, who have a mental illness because of an event, or series of events.

HOWEVER, it seems to me that a lot of people don’t know that mental illness can be genetic. There is still a lot unknown about mental disorders, but it is known that it can run in families, because a child is more likely to have if it their relatives do. (If a child is also exposed to harmful substances before is or after birth can also impact their mental health.)

Therefore, a person’s mental disorder (depending on what it is) isn’t always an effect of something that “happened”. This is the case for me, and it’s been difficult to explain this to every person who jumps to the conclusion that I’ve just been abused.

I’m not saying anyone who has been through a traumatic situation is invalid, or that because my is genetic that I’m better. Both genetic and acquired mental illnesses suck in tons of similar ways and have their differences as well. For instance, a person who acquired it would concentrate on coping with their memories and moving, etc, while a person who just developed it from their genetic wouldn’t have any memories to analyze. (What I’m trying to say is that the therapy may be different and their ways of coping.)

Being mentally unhealthy literally runs in family. On my mother’s side, and even my father’s side. So that means that my future biological children may develop a mental illness.

Bottom line is this: mental disorders are confusing and complicated, and most don’t have a solid answer to the question, “What happened?” There are many ways a person can get a mental disorder and there are many of them. I just wish people will stop assuming my reason, and instead do the research for themselves.

Also, I’m not an expert scientist and I’m being incredibly vague when saying “it’s from your genetics”, feel free to research it more, but I do know that mental disorders is linked to your genes and it can be inherited.

Nothing Is Permanent (Advice)

I’m laying in bed and its almost eleven at night. I have this huge weight on my chest and if you saw my post titled, “School Dance = Anxiety Attack” and I’m getting the warning signs of a panic attack.

I just took a deep breath, and I really tried to think what could make me feel better instead of wallowing in my worry like always. Then it hit me: after tomorrow the problem will be over. Sure, I’ll think about it for weeks after, but I won’t be experiencing it like I am now. This is temporary.

No, I’ll always have anxiety, BUT this exact feeling about this exact moment will vanish sooner or later.

I remember there is this one saying and it was, “Don’t worry over something you can’t control.” And yeah, I guess that helps , but not as much as “it’s not permanent“, at least for me it helps more.

Think about it, you remember one problem that worried you for days or weeks, and then when the final day came to act… That was it. The moment passed, you’ve moved on .

Think about last year and all those problems, some might still be around, it not all.

I use this advice a lot for Gym class. I get really anxious and scared when it comes to competitive games and sports (unless its just some friends causally playing around) and so I get so caught up in what I can’t do and how anxious I get, and how I need to do this.

Then the ” its not permanent ” motto comes into play. Or in this case it also means, “It won’t matter.” Because in Collage there is no Gym class, I’m not pursuing any degree related to sports. Therefore, in “the real working world” it also won’t matter what I did in Gym class.

Yes, I should pass the grade, but I don’t need to worry over how I’m not as good.

Yes, I still feel like crying, but I know in a few weeks the school dance won’t even cross anyone’s mind. Maybe I’ll try to explain this motto to my mother since she’ll likely ask about me going to the dance again.

Just remember, everything will change, sometime or another, not even permanent markers are forever. I hope this helps, feel free to comment another other related mottos you have or have heard!

I think I can rest easy now.

What Anxiety Is Like (#3)

Imagine you carry a boulder. The boulder weighs 100 lbs. Which is fine by the way, you’re strong enough to hold it and even walk with it.

However, the boulder is with you everyday. It is chained around you so tightly, that it aches to breathe. But it’s okay, because you can handle it.

But a day goes by, then another, then another, and it’s been a week now. You’re arms are tired, your shoulders and neck and back hurt immensely. Your feet are swollen, and everything is sore. Even though you can handle the boulder’s weight, it’s hard to carry for so long.

What’s worse, is that for more days than not, the boulder feels heavier and that increase in weight varies. You have no explanation to why it does. The boulder looks no different, but sometimes it’s twice as heavy. You try and try and try and try and- you remember the boulder is chained to you. So whenever you try to pry, the chain just tightens, and you cry.

Your friends don’t get it, for they can’t see the boulder, nor the chain. How could they understand  if there’s no proof to your luggage? You don’t blame them, instead you blame yourself.

It’s difficult to hang out with friends, go out to parties and events when you carry this boulder. It’s awkward when dancing and running, but other people mistake this as just being shy. Or as not choosing to participate. I mean, you are choosing not to be a part of things, but not for the reasons others think of.

On the bright side of things, some days this boulder feels lighter. It’s easier to breathe and sleep, and your smile is slightly wider. Yet if you count the days it’s easy, and count the days it’s hard…I think you know which won.

 

You wonder where this boulder came from, and why you’re the only one. Then, you realize, you’ve seen others with boulders. But most people you’ve seen with them are people you don’t even know, you’ve only heard about, or…they’re dead.

You think back to when you were younger, and recall that you did have the boulder then too. But, you were smaller and so was the boulder. Back then, you were also clueless. You were aware of the boulder, but you didn’t know what it really meant.

 

This may shock you, but everyone has and had a boulder. However, most people have a pebble, that they can tuck inside their pocket and forget about. Some people’s boulders are bigger and heavier than yours.

 

You’re scared, because you think that someday the boulder will fall from your arms, and you’ll crash down with it. Some days that almost happened, you lost control, or you panicked. Every night you try to fall asleep, but it is hard when there’s a 100 pound (or more) boulder pushing down on your chest. When you release a breath, it’s shaky and you cross your fingers everyday, hoping no one calls you out on it. You constantly worry and fret over it. Every. Day.

Can you imagine that? Because that to me, is anxiety.

 

(Featured Imagines is from @JaidenAnimations)

Something Happens… (Anxiety #2)

My hands sweat and I feel it: the tear and tug in my chest as I try to control my breathing. Heat builds up inside me and I feel dizzy as I try to stay standing. My body trembles, especially my hands, and then I start thinking. The world seemed to shift around me. Inhale and exhale around me. Yet I stood still. Fear and worry consumed my mind and I wondered if I would ever be able to move, or if I would always be stuck there. Just…standing. At the same time, I wondered what happened.

How could I be fine one minute and scared out of my mind the next? It sounds terrible, but I secretly hoped something did happen. I wished someone had yelled at me, insulted me, or pushed me, by accident or not, because then I would I have an excuse to be like this. Without an excuse, I’m just panicking for no reason. I know people have it worse, so when nothing happened to me I feel even more guilty. I criticize myself more than anyone else could. Millions of insults, worries, and thoughts run around my mind. Like in an episode of Spongebob, when tons of Spongebobs were racing around his mind, throwing papers, setting fires, and screaming. However, this is nothing compared to the physical effects.

I’m surprised no one shouted, “She has a gun!” Since my hands were sweating bullets and my twitching body must have looked insane. I felt as if my skin was on fire, despite the fact that I usually wore only one layer of clothing. That one layer of clothing was light and I should’ve felt as free as a bird in it, but for some reason I felt like a prisoner.

My hands attached themselves around my throbbing neck. Unfortunately, my neck wasn’t the only thing in pain. I knew what was happening, because this always happened. A knot would start in my stomach and my mind would try to brush it off, as if I ate something bad, but in the back of my mind, alarms were going off because I could sense what was coming. Next, the knot would tighten and travel up to my chest, setting off a burning, tingling feeling. Soon enough the tightness in my chest would spread up to my neck, tricking my mind into thinking I can’t breathe, and forcing my hands to latch onto my throat.

If you‘re thinking I’m exaggerating, I’m not. If you think I’m being dramatic, I most certainly am. My mind always knew better, I always knew I was freaking out for little or no reason. Most of the time, I wasn’t in any real danger, yet my mindset would switch to the “fight or flight” mode and my stomach would start to twist. I knew. I knew. I knew and I know that I was always being dramatic.

Yet that solves nothing. Knowing, simply isn’t enough. Knowing it’ll be okay, knowing I’m fine, knowing I’m safe…does nothing. Yes, it’s good to know these things but it does nothing more. After a while, knowing these things backfires. It becomes annoying to know you’re okay, but to have a body that’s too stubborn to change its ways. I start to feel guilty for feeling any and every emotion, because I end up thinking I shouldn’t have the right to feel them. Just because I’m technically “okay”.

I’ve barely brushed the surface of this – and I’m only describing my view. People love to assume, to guess, and don’t bother to see if they’re right or wrong, because they’ll just assume they’re right. However, I can tolerate this. What I can’t stand is when people sling their arm around me as I’m internally screaming, and they say, “I know exactly what you’re feeling,” but they show absolutely no signs of that being true. I want to curse at them, ask them how. “How could you possibly know?” I want to see their jaw drop as they try to come up with an answer. I want to shake my fists at them and glare with teary eyes.

But I don’t. I don’t do any of this and I never had. Instead, I usually just nod my head because I can hardly form a single sentence at this state. By now, I can say I feel like I’m dying. Logically, I know that this isn’t true, but then again, knowing this doesn’t aid me in anyway. Therefore, I am stuck. Stuck in one place with fear tugging on my sleeve, trying to think of what to do, if I could do anything at all by myself.

 

Eventually, I would wipe my hands on my jeans, and stand up if I was sitting. Eventually, I would be able to ignore my screaming brain and I would walk away. Maybe a person or two would reach out to me, most of them care, but there are some people who just don’t understand and sometimes I can’t blame them.

Although, even if I walk, run, or sprint, the feeling is always there. That tremble in my hands, that pit in my stomach, and that aching pain in my muscles. I’ve learned to get used to the feeling of nausea and clammy hands, but I can never just ignore it. Sure, I’ll lie to myself and say I feel nothing, but the constant worry is there, glaring holes in the back of my head as it watches me, even as I write this. The ever so quiet dread that would hang over me is always there, pulling me down, refusing to let me step out of my house and forcing me to cancel whatever plans I had. The nervousness, that most people get when standing on stage, meeting a celebrity, or giving a speech is there too. However, my nervousness is like the Big Bad Wolf, with large claws and enormous teeth. The nervousness is the doubt, the fear, and the guilt.

The nervousness is anxiety, and this is what it feels like when it attacks me.

An Introduction To Anxiety (#1)

Anxiety is different for different people. Some have what I call “normal anxiety”, which to me is stage fright, nervous during an interview, those normal situations where it’s normal to be anxious. For me, it’s like I’m a new actor on stage every day, and everyday I forget my lines even though I rehearsed them countless times. The lights are almost never on me, but for some odd reason they still blind me, and I’m scared.

I have anxiety.

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My anxiety has brought on depression, some people’s anxiety is brought on by their depression. It can vary.

My mind over analyzes and over thinks, and jumps to conclusions in a matter of seconds. I think and speak fast, but my actions are frozen. Most times it feels like I’m stuck, I wonder if I should call my anxiety Medusa.

In ten seconds, I plan my whole day out and then criticize myself for doing so. And start again. Other times I try to push away my anxious over thinking by telling myself to not think about it, and instead get anxious about that. I plan what to wear the night before and then change my outfit completely in the morning. I think about how many minutes it’ll take me to quickly walk to school, and if there’s a train delay and I could be five minutes late. Some one says hi to me when it’s a bad day and I question it for the next few hours. As I race out of school, it isn’t because I’m glad to leave, it’s because I’m already creating a to-do list for when I enter my front door, which I usually end up forgetting about anyway.

That is a small description of some everyday experiences I had, let me explain what happens when I have an anxiety/panic attack.

It feels like you’re dying. (Most people have said that), some people even mistake it as a heart attack. Panic attacks can vary and be different for different people. I explain in my second entry to this topic what panic attacks are like for me and believe me when I say writing it almost gave me an attack.

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Depression comes along to hang out too, because they’re the best of buddies.

Depression can come whenever, apparently they have a key to my brain as well, though I don’t remember making any keys.

Depression for me isn’t trying to get out of bed, anxiety helps me with that. Depression for me is just…nothing. Feeling like nothing. It sucks when depression and anxiety both try to take the front seat, like cold air and hot air, they form a tornado. My depressing thoughts contradict my anxiety thoughts, and it becomes incredibly hard to decide. Usually when I’m really anxious I feel stuck and it’s hard for me to move, let alone make a choice. And when depression is there poking me in the back too, it just makes it harder.

(Also I really like New Girl, so be prepared to see more in the future.)

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Most people describe having anxiety and depression like, “It’s needing to do everything, but not wanting to do anything.” You feel so much emotion but at the same time you feel nothing and if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, you’re right, it is confusing. And it’s hard to explain because it’s so confusing.

Because it’s hard to explain, and because of other reasons, mental illnesses are stigmatized a lot. Or in some cases they’re over glorified and made out to be some cute quirk. You’re either crazy or cute, lazy or lonely, and etc. People talk about mental illness and act like all the person needs is a lover to come sweep them off their feet and give them a hug. Yes, having supporting people can help a person overcome their mental illness or cope with it, but one romantic partner will not automatically fix it.

I know. It sucks.

Anxiety isn’t being a little nervous and shy, depression is not being lazy or just lonely. It’s scary and it’s sad.

People (I also do this) make it out (especially depression) to be a joke. People either say they have it and make joke about being triggered, or make fun of others who do have it. Most people do this in a way to be funny, most people don’t mean harm when they joke like this. Even I joke like this. However, some days it’s a “bad day”, where I’m extra sensitive. Then on this day I hear one of these jokes and it feels like I was shot with an arrow. Sure I can pull the arrow out, but it’s gonna hurt.

Maybe the arrow isn’t even that sharp or strong, but it still hurts.  I realize most of these people don’t understand whatever mental illness they’re joking about. It feels like I’m the only one who does know, even though I know that’s not true.

So yeah, thanks for reading and this topic is gonna be a series I do.

First blog post EVER

So I’ve never had a blog before, but I was bored one day and got inspired to make a website, which then led to a blog. I am a writer, so it’s not like I’ve never written anything.

I doubt this blog will go far, ’cause I have no idea what I’m doing or how to get noticed. Especially how to get noticed. I’m gonna do some research on having a blog and whatnot, but at least I already have some idea on what to write. It’s just…I want people to actually read it.

So yeah, if you’re reading this then BY GOD ALMIGHTY THANK YOU. I’d appreciate if you kept reading my stuff, follow me via email, bookmark my page, do something. I mean you’re still reading so must like me a bit…right?

THINGS I’LL PROBABLY TALK ABOUT:

• Mental Illness (mainly depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder)
• Being a teen cause I am one
• Some of my past experiences (what a surprise…)
• LGBTQA+ Issues or just my experiences with being Queer
• Current events that interest me enough to research
• MOLASSES
• TV shows (things such as theories)
• AND WHATEVER THE HECK ELSE

Also, ANY ADVICE? If you’re a current blogger, or better yet and kinda well-known one, I would love it if you could lend me some advice about having a blog and stuff. I feel like I’m playing a tennis match myself and it’d be great if someone could help out a little, ya know?